Happy Birthday to Jew

Bryan and his Nan stood staring at the long, thin, cylindrical object atop of her kitchen table. Anticipation filled the air. Nan always bought the best gifts for ‘Her Bryan’, but this one, well, it was Bryan’s 30^th.

“It looks like a massive dildo Nan”

“Does it?”

“Is it?”

“Open it”

Bry did has he was told. He always did has he was told when it came to Nan.

“Yep, it’s a massive dildo”

“Not exactly son, it’s a massive wooden dildo. It’s an antique. Mary Magdalene used it, and because it wooden, it is believed that her dried up cunt juice’s can be found within the perfectly crafted bell end”

Bry stood, gob ajar, in amazement.

“Nan” he said. “This is by far the most useless thing anyone has ever bought me. I mean, I have no fuckin’ use for this what so ever. At all!! At the same time Nan, it’s the best fuckin’ thing anyone has ever bought me in my thirty years on this island we call earth”

“Don’t talk like that Bryan. You sound like a twat”

“Sorry Nan”

“I’m glad you like it. But a massive wooden dick isn’t your only gift. You see that box up there? Fetch it down would ya?”

Again, Bry did has Bry was told. There was no way of mistaking this box. It contained a cake, but not just any old cake. As he opened his box he was instantly hit by the ‘Gregg’s’ logo right in the centre of the cake.

“Obama’s bung hole! It’s a Gregg’s cake Nan. A fuckin’ Gregg’s cake. Gregg’s don’t make birthday cake?”

“They do for you canny lad” His Nan replied.

This was turning out to be the best day in Bry’s life, ever.

“This is turning out to be the best day in my life, ever”

“Open the cake”

“Open the cake?”

“Open the cake like the way that guy’s chest open’s in ‘The Thing’ and dive in”

Bryan did and pulled out a served hand. It was a left hand and on the middle finger there was a sovereign ring.

“That Paddy McGuinness’s hand. He cut it off and placed there himself”

“I hate Paddy McGuinness he’s just a one trick pony, that trick being he’s Peter Kayes mate. But I bastard love Greggs”

“Take a look at that ring. It’s been specially made just for you. It’s your Favourite footballer”

Bry looked at the sovereign and upon it laid the face of Alan Sugar.

“Alan Sugar?”

“Yes, he plays for Newcastle doesn’t he?”

“Does he fuck Nan? Does he fuck!”

Bryan wanted to call his Nan the ‘C’ word but his balls were the size if baby rabbits turds. He just lets the anger burn his insides.

BANG!

Bry was on his ass.

Had she?

She fucking had!

Bry felt his forehead.

“Nan you’ve just punch me in the forehead knocking me on my arse”

“Yes I have you pussy, now get up and look in the Mirror”

Bryan Did.

“What the funk!?”

Upon His red bleeding forehead lay a perfect imprint of Alan Shearers boat race.

He turned to his Nan, she was removing a ring from her busted knuckles.

“This is for you boy. Happy birthday”

She gave him a kiss. Bryan was Semi.

He placed the ring on his finger. Alan was a god to Bryan, but his Nan was something more.

It’s only 09:23 and this is by far the most perfect day.

“It gets better love. Let’s go to the Living room”

In the living room the telly was talking to itself, ITV1 was on and The Jeremy Kyle show was just about to begin.

Both Bry and his Nan sat on the sofa and turned the sound up on the TV.

“Hello and welcome to Jeremy Kyle. Before we start may I just wish Bryan Cutcura a very happy Birthday and can I also present to him my cock and balls”

Bryan was now fully erect.

Fin.