The tale of Cack

This is the story of Cacktus Green

Cacktus Green was very mean

Cacktus Green was a violent cunt

Cacktus Green loved the hunt

Cacktus Green knew a man named Paul

Cacktus Green would give him a call

Cacktus Green once wore a hat

And he beat a cat to death with a cricket bat

Cacktus Green saw the doctor

Cacktus Green sat in the doctors chair

He loved the doctor fore she had nice hair

The doctor asked Cacktus 'why he hurt'?

He told her it was because it was an angry pervert

This is the story of Cacktus Green

A man who, thru age became mean

A man who had no core

A man who's soul was sour

This is the end of Cacktus Green

You'll never believe what he's seen.

My Diary '95

This is a excerpt from my diary dated

'3rd June 1995'

"Came home from school to an empty house. I made Sausage and chips for tea. Whilst waiting for the food I watch 'Art attack' on the telly. I don't believe that's really Neil Buchanan doing all the art work. He's not Tony Hart of Rolf now is he? He host 'Finders fucking keepers'.

I take a look at my homework diary. I have no homework to hand in tomorrow.

I ate my tea. The sausages taste fine but I overcooked my chips and no amount of red sauce can cover that fact I fucked up with cooking my tea. Maybe I should have got a stand in like Neil.

My dad rings to tell me he'd like me to come over to his this weekend has he's not seen me in an while. Only thing is if I did, I'd have to get the bus myself. I tell him I'll come knowing full well I won't when the time comes.

I turn on the news to find out the Noel Gallagher has died."

Job 2965582a

We have not had a cleaner for three days. This seems to be an ongoing problem. Please could you investigate.

Hayleys Story ParT 1

It was a Friday afternoon when Hayley received the call.

Her father was dead.

A man she never knew had died and how was she meant to feel? Hayley did the only thing she knew and she dressed like a whore and went out and fucked random men. This lasted for 4 days.

Hayley went home and showered.

She sat by the window looking out onto the city wondering if she had any half brothers or half sisters, and if she did indeed have a brother, was he local? Had she fucked him once? Did he look like her father?

She had never meet him, never seen him and now she was meant to grieve for him.

A week later Hayley attended his funeral. She found out that she had an half sister who was also called Hayley. Hayley had a daughter named Hope. Hayley took a photo of her new niece on her mobile phone and when she showed it her mother she said that she looked like her new auntie at that age. This made Hayley feel something.

"Two pees in a pod" Hayley's mother said. Only born 22 years apart.

"Did dad have any hand in naming me?"

"No" Her mother replied.

The fact her sister was too called Hayley was purely coincidental.

Hayley did not have a brother. This upset her, but for all the wrong reasons.

You (BlacK) Beauty

Try to make friends with an horse.

Find any horse you like. Black, White, whatever. Be horse racist if it makes you feel better.

It won't.

Take the horse out for lunch but remember to take lots of money for two very important reasons.

1.) Horses eat like horses.

2.) Horses don't have a means of income and therefore, cannot pay.

Whatever you do, do not sleep with the horse. It will only become attached to you.

It will text you at all hours.

It will order things for you online and have them delivered to your place of work.

It's will kidnap a small child and threaten to launch the little fucker off a multi-story carpark if you don't agree to go to 'Koz' with it for 10 days in June.

My advise.

Just take the horse out for lunch and then kill yourself.

38 SECS

SON: Why is that Man fuckin' a Thanksgiving turkey?

DAD: Because it's an Eli Roth film.

It stings

on the 28th of today JULY 2009. I started this Blog for you all.

My adventures may haunt you. This is my plan.

Over the next lifetime I will inform you of what I am and am up too.

Read. Think. And then read again. Keep going back as you may have missed something.

Jesse VanDamme